Sometimes, life can make you feel like the king of the world. And, sometimes, life can make you feel like the bottom turtle in the indeterminable stack of terrapins that hold up the universe.
Lately, it feels as if there is this infinite, gaping chasm spread out in front of me—one I can’t see the end of, one I can’t see the bottom of, one that terrifies me more than my limited vocabulary could express. I don’t know what I’ve done to put myself at the precipice. More importantly, I don’t know how to escape from said precipice.
Were it as easy as turning back the way I came, I would have run backward, blindly even, without hesitation. But, the path behind me is steadily eroding away. Soon, there will be no backward path, only the abyss.
Seriously, though, I don’t know which karma fairy I stepped on, or which curse I’ve stumbled into, but I think I’ve had my fair share of bad days and troubled times--- perhaps more than my fair share. Those who know me, know I’m not one to complain. If anything, I’m probably guilty of not complaining enough—
If these were events I had a personal hand in bringing about, it would be one thing. I would be less likely to lament the current state of things. I’m very much a believer that if you got yourself into a mess, then you get yourself out and you have no one to blame but yourself.
But, when the responsibility of taking care of the mess of others is thrust into your lap, dropped on your head or yoked to your shoulders—when you never asked for the privilege of dealing with it—it is another matter entirely.
I guess I've lost some of my perspective. I'm pretty sure if so many things weren't going at one time, I'd be better equipped to deal...but, the adage, it never rains but it pours, doesn't even begin to describe the amount of Niagara that's pissing down in my back yard....
I fear I am coming to the end of my endurance. What that means, exactly, I’m not sure. But, I do know that the point of maximum capacity is within sight---well, within “feeling” actually. I find that I move through a progression of emotions—if past precedent holds true—from a point of heightened anxiety to conscious disconnect to numbness to shutdown. I can feel myself, currently, teetering at the edge of disconnect (where I’m not processing anything that is being said to me or thrown at me) about to plummet headlong into numbness.
If I reach the stage of shutdown, it won’t be pretty….
Tell me, where does the Wailing Wall turn when it needs to scream?